Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree, The Saga Continues.....

     I don't know if it is the dreary rain falling, the damp, cold blanket of air that weighs heavily on everything, or the fact that this tree business is in my craw, but today has been one of those red letter days where everything seems to be a mess! 
     Several years ago I did what I thought was a grand thing and now, looking back on it, it was a complete idiotic thing to do, so I live with that crazy decision every Christmas. You see, I bought a "pre-lit" tree without asking my hubs. I have blogged about this tree saga for a couple of years because  it's sad and hysterically funny how it has evolved into a Christmas tradition in the Goodwin household. I will fill my new readers in on a few old details and then catch you all up on how the saga unfolds today. 
     We were always a real tree family you see. I loved the look, the smell, but I had had it with the cost of those trees year after year. So, after Christmas a few years back Linen's and Things had this gorgeous, 'pre-lit' tree 75% off, and on impulse I bought it. I was quite proud of my purchase but the look on my hubs face when I drug it out of my car was horror. I had not only broken a tradition we have always had, but I didn't call and run it past him, which is something we have always agreed we would do on big purchases. Without hashing it all up, I was in the dog house and couldn't take the tree back, so I packed it up and stored it for the next year. 
     The first year we used it the tree was pretty fabulous, after the hard feelings had simmered over the past year. I lit my, 'smells like a Christmas tree candle', which by the way, NEVER smells as good as the real thing, but it was lovely nonetheless. Problems started after Christmas when it was time to take it apart. You see, the 'pre-lit' tree turned out not to be 'pre-lit' so when I couldn't store it like I had the past year, and needed to take it apart, it wouldn't come apart due to all the wires. The reality of what type of tree this was sunk in and I, with jeers from my family, began the tedious process of unstringing this tree. I would have rather had the first layer of my epidermis peeled off than to unstring that tree!

     Over the years, this process made a complete mess of the structure of the tree. I broke connection after connection and as it evolved I eventually had about half of a  tree. I begged to get a real one, to go back to our tradition and admit defeat, but my sweet hubs, who as most of you know loves to turn trash to treasure, wouldn't hear of it. I was forced to get creative. It started with the use of fishing line, which on a few limbs still exists today. A year later I resorted to using duct tape. Last year, to my amazement, my cousin figured out how to snap the stems in without breaking the connections so it wasn't too bad. Regardless though, I was fed up with that tree so I drug it to the road for the trash. My hubs came home early, saw the carcass at the street, and said oh no, and drug it back in the house. 
     For the past few weeks I knew it was coming, the dreaded piecing together of that tree. I honestly thought about not putting one up too. James had moved out and I went back and forth, to tree or not to tree, that was the question! Alas, the tree won out, along with several verbal family members saying it would be a travesty not to put one up, so I caved. 
     This morning, I woke up to the dreariness of the day and started cleaning up a spot for that tree. We drug it from the shed into the house, and when pulling it out of the many bags it lived in, several new pieces fell off. I just shook my head and quietly said a few choice four letter words. The stem was rusted, the top was flat, overall it was a pretty sad tree. So, not to let the Grinch in me win out, I vowed to artistically piece this tree back together for one more year, and then, quietly pray that somehow the powers that be see fit for our Charlie Brown tree to break a leg, or a stem, or it's top off so the saga can end. Problem is, I wonder if any tree will ever be as memorable as this one. I think not, do you?


Here are the before pics. You can see the fishing line, the big hole in the side, the empty connections, and several lost limbs. It has now become a metaphor I feel for my life. A beautiful thing, with broken parts, wired and screwed back together, to shine brightly in a world that needs a few more bright spots than it already has. Stay tuned for the after, you will believe miracles exist when you see those. Happy Advent friends and early Christmas Holidays to you. May you find laughter in your hearts this season!

The pieces that 'should' be attached to the tree!

The connectors, all busted, and a sad piece of duct tape from last year.

The fishing line, enough said. 

And here is the final version, taken in the dark, to hide all the "piccadillos" it has. The lights make it look endearing don't you think? I couldn't for the life of me post the pics in real light, they would make you break out in song singing, "Oh Tannenbaum, oh Tannenbaum," .....and fall over with a great big belly laugh! What I am thankful for is this; my sweet husband and son who insisted on helping me. They strung the lights, they hung the ornaments, they made me laugh, and we all looked at the finished tree with great pride, and all was well in the land......limp star and all. LOL! I won't for the life of me straighten it. Merry Christmas friends!

Teaching Children the Concept of 'Beauty'

I have had the pleasure of working with kids through the past years either through tutoring or painting with them and even showing them that writing can actually be fun. Those moments are dear to me because I miss teaching kids a great deal. As a teacher, and I believe God calls certain people to that profession, having the opportunity to mold a child's understanding of the world around them is a humbling, grace filled opportunity that I hold sacred. 

My cousin Fran has a daughter who has painted with me. I love painting with children, because it brings me back to my true gift, the one of teaching. Fran called me the other day and explained that Lilly had to paint for a contest at school and the theme was, "Beautiful Is..." I thought for a minute and realized kids the ages of 3-8 might struggle to really grasp this concept so I thought of what suggestions I could give that might help her.  

For that age group beauty is a vague, abstract concept. It is not something they can grasp with their hands. Although they are surrounded by beautiful things each day, I doubt they look at a flower and see it as beautiful with a deep understanding of the idea. To help a child begin to consider this word I suggest using their five senses to experience the world around them and share in discussing it with you. Take your child to a florist or produce market and let them touch, smell, taste, and see the variety of colors. Then ask them, which ones are they drawn to, and why. Explain to them that those colors, objects, sounds, or feelings are those they find beautiful.  At a young age it must start with their experiences but as your children age, you will begin to spread their wings a bit and teach them that all beauty comes from within and even ugly can be beautiful.


I believe that we are created by God with an understanding for 'beauty' in each of us. Science can't explain the concept as to why when we see a rainbow or the face of a child we experience it as 'beautiful'. Part of me truly believes that what we find as beautiful is God's way of showing us what the Garden of Eden would have been like. We get little glimpses or tastes of what he meant for us, and I am grateful for those moments in life. 

As you compare and contrast songs, moments, feelings, textures, etc. with your child encourage them to explain why or why not they are drawn to one thing in particular. This conversation is critical in teaching them to live artistically and it will actually build a foundation for them to understand the scientific process as well. Most of all, have fun with the activity or conversation, because the process of the understanding is really the point, not the end result of did they get it. 

I hope some of you will choose to paint with your children during this holiday season. Those gifts are the most precious and 'beautiful' to give and receive. Beauty can be abstract to young ones but it doesn't have to be. If you want to truly show them something beautiful, give them a mirror. 
This is Lilly, she and her painting are both, BEAUTIFUL!

 

Why Angels and Crosses?

What a crazy week it has been in the Goodwin household! When I was physically able to start painting again I had no idea where it would lead me,other than to my art table and the occasional gallery visit. During the past few weeks doors have opened up for me to share my art with several different groups of people. I really gave that some thought and considered each venue. Normally, I don't paint for a specific group, but considering the holidays are around the corner, I really had to tweak my thinking on that. 
As I did, I also had a conversation with God about why I paint. First, I am grateful for the gift of creativity so I wanted to be a good steward of that. I also have learned that when I paint a cross or an angel, and then blog about it, people who read it are touched, it connects with them in a way that my 'normal' art doesn't. For that main reason, I chose to spend a good bit of time painting angels and crosses for the holidays. 
As I painted, I spent a lot of  time researching verses to go with each one, and can honestly say I haven't spent that much time perusing the bible since the days of our bible drills when I was a child. It was a meaningful experience to say the least. Most all of the paintings in this series have a verse, painted somewhere within, because besides being grateful for my gift of painting, I knew I HAD to use it to share my faith as well. So, as you look over some of these little gems, know that they were lovingly created and prayed over, each one. A prayer that simply was meant for whoever who sees one or purchases one, would gain some since of who Christ is in their life, and in hopes that it would bring them joy.

I wish I could say this was easy, that whipping these out was a walk in the park, but as all my disabled artist friends know, that is not the case for those of us who struggle with bodies that don't match our zeal for life. There were days I painted slower than others, but, as asked, I painted through it and saw the effort pay off, at least in the journey, not monetarily. Artists struggle in many ways, so I ask all of you to consider supporting your local art community this holiday season buy purchasing art as gifts for Christmas if you choose to celebrate it. I am thrilled to share my gift with you, not only the paintings, but the journey as well. Drop me a line, I would love to hear from you about your journey as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To see more angels and crosses, visit Facebook and join my fanpage, The Artwork of Ardith Goodwin, 

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/pages/The-Artwork-of-Ardith-Goodwin/152181337825?ref=ts 

Serenity Prayer Angel

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."



13 years ago I came face to face with the reality and importance of that prayer. I was facing a divorce, raising a son on my own, and tried my best to hold my world together the best I could. In my own strength, my best, of course, just wasn't going to cut it. My auto-pilot of drifting numbly through life got turned off and the reality of the world that I thought I knew came crashing down. It was harsh to say the least. I spent the next couple of years struggle with depression and alcohol issues, and but for the grace of God, would I survive it all. 
Part of that recovery led me to many AA meetings where I met some of the most wonderful people in my life. We would close each meeting with that prayer, but I wouldn't really come to believe it, or embrace it, until many years later when my life experiences would teach me its true importance. 
I know there are probably many of you that secretly deal with addictions on a daily basis. I'm not just talking about drugs and alcohol either. I am talking about addictions to anything, like FB, soap operas, sex, or your neighbor's spouse,  that are so strong they take us out of reality and leave us in a world that doesn't really exist. Sometimes, at least for me, it was easier staying in that world, the one of fantasy or denial, because the reality of my true world was just something I wasn't ready for. Then I began to really think about this prayer and use it, daily, often over and over, to get me through some really difficult moments. 
Being a mom made this prayer one I would need many times. Watching my son grow into a young man had many highlites and some lows, but I am proud of who he is. That doesn't mean I agree with all of his choices. In those instances I use this prayer to talk to God so that I understand where I stop and my son begins. 
I also understand that for many who deal with addictions the concept of believing in God is difficult. I, as sure as I am breathing, believe that there is a higher power, whom I choose to call God. With that said, I also respect each person's right to make their own choice in the matter, I can't change them. What I can do is share how that one prayer, such a simple little thing,has kept me sane through many dark periods in my life. When my doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong, I prayed it. When my body failed me repeatedly, I prayed it. When I felt that call to go down the road of living in denial, I prayed it. And, when I felt like the whole world was falling in on my head I prayed it then, too. 
For some of us, it's not easy understanding what it means to be strong and courageous on a daily basis. I for one have more days where I feel lost than found, but that prayer is one that is part of me, and I believe God placed it in my life as a protection, against myself, and against other people's issues I try so hard to make my own. 

So, for today, in this moment, I share my Serenity Angel with you. Not to toot my own horn about a new painting, but to help maybe just one person realize those life altering decisions that have to be made on a daily basis can be done successfully if by only saying and embracing this simple prayer. You do not walk alone. You do not encounter emotions that others have not shared. You do not live a moment without God being with you as well. May this angel and the Serenity prayer bring hope to you, and me, who will always struggle with addictions, but hopefully rise above them.  

The Soldier's Cross of Courage

As I write this, somewhere in Afghanistan or abroad, and American soldier has just been wounded or killed in battle. Let that sink in for a minute. You are in a safe place most likely, reading this in the comfort of your home on your phone, and an American soldier has just had his or her life ended or tragically changed forever. How humbling that is to me. For the past years I have watched the war on TV, got frustrated over it, not understood it really, but the reality of the cost to American lives and families never really sunk in until this week. Going to http://icasualties.org I checked to see if a soldier died today. The last soldier listed died Oct. 17th, Spc. Michael A. Dahl Jr., 23, of Moreno Valley, Ca.,died Oct. 17 in Argahndab, Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when enemy forces attacked his vehicle with an IED. He was assigned to 1st Battalion, 17th Infantry Regiment, 5th Stryker Brigade, 2nd Infantry Division, Fort Lewis, Washington. Details about Spc. Dahl can be found here, http://freedomremembered.com/index.php/spc-michael-a-dahl/I don't know him, his family, what his life story was, all I know is that he is no longer with us and his family and friends are grieving the loss of someone they cherished and loved dearly. I can't really imagine. Because the media isn't allowed to show the caskets brought home on TV, I believe apathy sets in, at least for me I became desensitized to it, and for that I am horrified.

When I began the journey of painting crosses God put on my heart to paint one for our soldiers. For weeks I thought about it, how I would paint it, what it needed to have in it. The thoughts were not easy. I began researching lives of soldiers and how many wars Americans have fought in. I thought about my brother, my dad and uncles and cousins, my friends, and all who work and fought to serve our country. Then I began to pray and talk to God about it. After praying, the painting you see here began to evolve. A friend suggested the verse in Joshua but I was leaning towards one in Jeremiah. When she explained why the Joshua verse was so fitting, I prayed about it too, and God clearly said to share his story with soldiers, so I am. Joshua was going into battle himself, he was discouraged, he was afraid, and God said this to him: "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

What a powerful message, so it became the story and verse behind my motivation for this cross. I knew I wanted each branch of the military represented, but I didn't want it to be political. I added the five main branches by painting their emblems. I then thought about soldiers who are Christians, who pray for their fellow brothers and sisters who serve, and who die in battle. But I also thought about soldiers of different beliefs as well, so I chose to pray for all of them. The center represents the soldiers cross. When a soldier dies, they put the rifle in the ground, hang his or her hat on it, and lay the boots at the base. What a powerful image. I also wanted to honor the unknown soldiers who died in battle, so I painted the memorial for that, with a soldier in salute. On the cross is an angel, arms around the soldier's cross, for protection of those who serve their duty to country. The cross itself is purple, the color of courage and of the purple heart. The green border line represents life, which I pray and claim for each soldier at home and abroad. The 21 red dots represent the 21 wars our country has fought since its creation. The face of the angel is tri-colored, representing soldiers of different races, but Americans, who fight and defend our country. The flag sits behind the cross, but most importantly, the words, IN GOD WE TRUST, sit on the cross, to remind all of us that OUR country was founded under God, and regardless of religions, we put our faith in him as Christians for protect our loved ones as they serve and to provide for their families here at home. The word COURAGE is bold, because it takes great courage to volunteer to leave one's family and country to go fight in a war to defend our freedom. Joshua 1:9 sits in the background, not to overshadow the cross, but to remind those who serve that they are not alone, that others have gone before them, and that God is with them , wherever they go in battle or service to country. It is also painted in yellow, but when you move to the left or right, it glows blue, a color true to our our nation.

That's what the colors and symbols mean, but this is what it means to me. For the past couple of weeks as I worked on this cross, my left arm and neck began to really bother me. I knew I had neck issues, and had just bragged about feeling better after spending a year recovering from a lumbar spinal fusion. I went to have an MRI and found out that I had ruptured a disc in my neck and have a spur that is impinging on the nerve. I now face a possible surgery, my 21st, but am praying there will be options to avoid that. As I knew my own body was in pain while I painted it occurred to me how much pain our veterans live with on a daily basis. How much pain a family endures when they watch their loved ones walk on that plane to be gone for a year or two, and most of all, how much pain a family feels when they hear the words that their loved one has died in action is pain I will never know. My pain is easy compared to that, so on I painted and on I prayed. I prayed for those we have lost, and those who have been injured. I prayed in thanks for those who serve to support us here, their families, who quietly do their duty each day with little thanks. I prayed in thanks for my brother and dad and family members who serve or have served their country and felt proud to honor them through this cross. And then I prayed that this cross would reach those it was meant for, that it would bring them hope, relieve their fears, and possibly put a smile on the face of at least one soldier sacrificing his or her all, so I could paint it. For that soldier and all of them, THANK YOU!

I pledge to honor our heroes, those who serve, and those who have fallen serving. Freedom is not free. My challenge to you is to choose to share this cross and its story with those you love, those who serve, and may it be an artistic way to remind us all to never forget, to lift up in prayer, and to never take for granted the sacrifices they give so that we may live such comfortable lives in our great country.(To see the steps in the creation of this cross on FB join my fan page, The Artwork of Ardith Goodwin)

New Work and the Nature of God, What a loaded topic!

Ideas for painting have been coming in by the droves lately. I am grateful, but for some artists that can be overwhelming and they tend to shut down because of creativity overload. Thankfully, that hasn't happened this time and I have been pleased with my new works, although the journey to paint them hasn't been easy by any means. Most all my blog followers know my lower back has issues. Well, my whole spine has issues and that, for what ever reason, is the revelation that it seems to be the season for back issues. I had been able to deal with my neck pain for the past few years because my lumbar was so bad, but since I have been painting, it has royally screwed up the disc in my neck and now painting has become a mountain to climb. I don't mind mountains, I am just a bit peeved lately at how many I have been asked to climb. I feel guilty even writing that, but it's honestly how I feel in this moment. You see, my painting has brought me sanity the past few months. I have seen it touch people, I have seen God use it to reach others, and I have seen it light up the faces of many who need a little bit of light in their worlds. Flat out, I won't give it up at this point until my arm is completely numb and I am going to claim that this too shall pass so I can paint on. I have pretty much flushed, got off my pity pot, and am choosing to embrace joy from this point on, and I wanted to leave you with the thought of me *grinning from ear to ear* despite the mountain.

As to the nature of God comment. There will be a blog coming up completely devoted to that topic but this came up in conversation this week and for once, when asked, I knew the answer like I was breathing. I couldn't have answered it quickly a year ago, but the other day I did. For me, the true nature of God is this: He desires an intimate, daily relationship with us to share His grace and love with us so that we can share it with others. That's not complicated for me to get, it's not waxing philosophical, it's just what he has shown me. It's not tied to being religious, being right or wrong, it's simply the understanding the God adores us and wants to share our moments. Then we are free to share them with others and well.....the world can change that way, one person at a time can't it? Ok, off my soap box for now :). I have a fan page on Facebook, The Artwork of Ardith Goodwin. If you are a FB peep, join it, I would love to share this walk with you. Hope you all like my new works. God's Peace, Love, and my hope that you know you are fabulous!
Here are a couple of new pieces that I have been able to work on.

Almost forgot! The library painting I did, "Love Reading, Love the World" got honorable mention in the show. The quality of the work was so good, that I was thrilled just to be juried in. If you get by the Grelot library before Dec. 4, go upstairs and see the show, it's one not to miss.

The Healing Cross

Many of you have read this story on FB, but for those who haven't, I am posting it here by request. Peace friends!

After creating the cross for Mike Napoli I have laid in bed all hours of the night thinking about the significance of crosses. I have always loved them, collect bling blingy ones to wear around my neck, and hold the cross of Jesus on the crucifix most sacred. But it got me thinking just what crosses mean to each person and for some people, I realized they are a way to celebrate a life, a love, or a dream. The concept of healing to me is quite important. Many of you know I struggle with chronic pain from a long list of health issues but I have also come to understand that faith in our loving God goes a long way in helping minimize or even take that pain away. I have also watched over the years many loved ones and friends family members fight courageous battles against cancer and other life threatening diseases. I don't understand at all why some are healed and some are not, but I have come to a peace about that and I share it here with you.

I believe God does not want harm to come to us. During the course of our lives things happen and the consequences of those things, intentional or not, have results that affect our bodies, minds, and spirits. As a dear friend taught me, God is capable of only his very best towards us, and in that I hold fast and firm as to the healing power that surrounds us. I have also watched dear friends lose the battle with illness and though it's heartbreaking and makes me intensely angry at times I realize that outcome may just be God's way of "healing" that body once and for all. I find great peace and comfort in that.

This cross was created for those of us who suffer with pain or illness or know those who do. There is no magical claim of healing in it from me, but there is much prayer that has been put into it as it was created. While I thought about what to add or leave out, I considered all those people, like Angelique's son, who faces a tremendous fight ahead. I thought of my friends who struggle with mental illness, my husbands back, my dad's body, my sister and her family. I even thought of as many people I know who suffer from lack of love and compassion. As I thought about these people and issues I prayed to God through this cross. I asked him that those who see it or have it will find peace, comfort, and know that he holds them gently in his hand at all times, in health and in wellness.
The color green is significant, it's the sign of life!
The swirls in the background represent God's breath and the Hebrew word Kavod.
The angel is an angel of healing.
The purple represents courage, which all of us who suffer need tons of.
Red is the color of Christ's blood, which in its essence assures us eternal life.
The rings throughout the picture represent eternal, unending love.
Orange is the color of joy, which is so precious and hard to find in times of illness.
There is the symbol of psychology to the left, the cadaceous for the medical field to the right.
The oil lamp serves two fold, one of anointing and one of Florence Nightingale, who represents nursing.
39 circles in the outer rings, if you believe this, represent the 39 lashes Jesus received on the cross, and the 39 root diseases that all others spread from.
The waves represent water, healing water and tears that we all need to cleanse us.
The two hand are Christ's hands and healing hands, when they are laid on us in prayer. They spread healing light, into our universe, for us t embrace in times of need.
The scripture is 3 John ch. 1:2, Behold, I pray that you may prosper in all things, and be in health, just as your soul prospers.
The leaves and brown color represent the tree of life, that we all spring from.
The red cross at the top represents just that, The Red Cross, who help us in time of illness and need.
The four corner prisms represent strength, because we all need as much as we can get when we are ill.
The bold colors are to brighten the hearts and days of those who are ill and their caretakers.
And, last but not least, the heart of the angel, which represents true love, the heart of God who adores us, and our love for one another.

If you know someone in need of healing who might need a pick me up feel free to share this cross, it's intended to do just that. Peace Peeps, I love you all! Ardith

Library Show I Got In!

WoooooooHooooooo! I got into my first juried show at the library with these two pictures. I entered the Mobile Public Library Art Show and both pieces got juried in. I still laugh at "Flannery, I'm Your Many" and the "Love Reading, Love the World" speaks to the teacher in me. I haven't added them to my website yet but that will come. Spent the last few weeks dealing with a bad asthma attack which landed my behind back in the hospital but it was only for a brisk visit, thank God. The painting has been good for me, hard on my neck, but good for the soul. I am working on a new cross, one on TRUST, but it is turning out to be a tad challenging. Will update my God moments later along with my new work. We are headed to Birmingham for my one year check up on my spine surgery. Lower back is good, I am grateful, but most of all, always thankful to God for the journey! Peace Peeps! Ardith

A Beautiful Life Well Lived

I was in Atlanta last week on Sept. 11 and as I lay on my bed after a long day of walking I decided to take some time to think about what possibly could be going through the heads of all those families on this day who lost a loved one. It was hard to imagine really. I haven't lost a family member in such a way, but in looking over those who I do still share breath with each day I was almost paralyzed with fear at the thought of losing one or all of them. So, I simply said a prayer for them and then turned my attention on my dear friend Monica who had lost her beloved dad to a courageous battle with cancer earlier in the week.
Mike Napoli was one of those rare gems in life. He exuded life by living out loud, in a humble kind of way, through his ministry as a priest, a husband, a dad, a grandad, a best friend, and he served his country. Although I wasn't nearly as close to him or El as I was Monica, what stuck out to me like a sore thumb was the beautiful children he helped raise and their commitment to serve God outwardly and with joy. Men like Mike seem to be rare these days, at least to me. I know a ton of people, and a ton of Christians, but I know few who have chosen to live a life dedicated to Christ like Monica and her family, and to that I give Mike and El a whole bunch of credit.
His grandson Ben posted some old pics of Mike and it was obvious how much he loved life, loved laughter, but most of all, LOVED his family. I can only hope and pray when I go they can say the same for me.

I also want to share a God moment in the passing of Mike Napoli that came unexpectedly at 4 am, gee are you surprised, the morning he died. I had been startled awake for some reason and God said to me, "Ardith, pray through the morning for the Napoli's." Hmmm.... I thought about that and decided the best way I could do that would be to paint. I had wanted to paint Mike a cross, had researched his genealogy and stuff, but had not begun the actual painting yet. So, at 4 am I began to draw and create the Mike Napoli cross you see here. The God part of all of it is that with each pencil line or brush stroke, I said a pray for him, so I can't tell you how many prayers are really in this cross, but enough for the family to know he was so loved. At around 8 am I got a text that Mike had passed at 4:55 am, exactly the time I was painting his cross. Still gives me chills. I finished it around 9 and delivered it that day to a grieving, tender family, but through the tears I could see the joy in their faces of a testament to a life well lived. The symbolism of the cross is important for you to understand the entire beauty of this man and his cross.

Green - The color of life that his family embraced for the past 7 years.
Red - The color of the blood of Christ and one of Mike's favorites.
Orange - Mike's favorite color
Purple - Royal Courage, which if you knew him he had
White - The grace and purity of Christ, and of Mike now with him
Blue and White Stripes, Fleur de Lise, and Two gold stars are from the official Napoli crest.
North Star - So he would easily find his way home.
Brown - Nature and Earth, Mike had a down to earth nature we all loved
Blue and Red Chevrons - in honor of service to country
51 outer dots in circle - Mike's favorite passage, Psalm 51
John 3:30, his favorite verse
2 gold rings in center, Mike and El's lifetime love
2 orange dots to each side - Dawn and Monica
2 red bars - their spouses
3 green bars - Darby, Sydney, Ben
N -Napoli
Blue vertical Bar - My favorite color, because I LOVE this family!

As exhausting as it was I knew flowers weren't my style and this gift was such a God thing. I missed his memorial, but they printed the cross on the bulletin, so in some small way I was there giving a hug to this great family, and my dear friend of 19 years.

Cancer is not fair is it? I don't understand why some people beat it and some don't. But, one thing I have learned from Monica is the we serve a God who is incapable of nothing but his very best towards us. In that, as I remember the 9/11 families, the Napoli's, and now another friend who's young son was just diagnosed this morning, I trust that to be true and ask that God hold ALL of us in his loving hands.

JOHN 3: 30 HE MUST INCREASE AND I MUST DECREASE,
(Here's to you Mike on a BEAUTIFUL LIFE WELL LIVED!)

Trusting God and Walking With Him vs. Knowing of Him and Doing Things for Him

Have you ever wondered why, in the middle of the night, you get some of the best ideas to write about, rather during the day? I asked God about this, he laughed and said, "This one is easy, I have your undivided attention at night." I just layed there and knew he had me on that one, so here I sit, with another blog to write.

I am currently in a bookstudy at Christ Anglican Church and we are reading/discussing "True Faced" by John Lynch. To sum it up, he proposes that we actually walk through life wearing masks, some of us wear lots of them, and never fully embrace our authentic, God created selves. He then goes on to explain his understanding of how to finally take the masks off, and live a life free of them, in God's grace, and the thought of that had me hooked. What makes this book even more interesting to me, is that I am reading it just after reading "Walking with God", by John Eldridge, and the two of them combined have given me a whole new perspective of what this following God thing is all about, so I share my short take of that here with you, because God decided to wake me up at 2 am and said it's important. I have learned when things like that happen, not to ignore it, he always has a greater purpose.

So, in "True Faced", the idea that most of us live in one of two rooms in life, room one being Trusting God, and room two being Performing for God, is a concept that got me thinking. As I read through the first two chapters of 'True Faced', my new understanding that God desires an intimate relationship with me, from "Walking with God", kept popping in my head, and I knew the two were relevant. You see, I believe there are two rooms, but the Trusting God room is also connected to Walking with God, and the Performing for God is also connected to lots of people Knowing who God is. They all go hand in hand. And how is that relevant?

I can only speak for myself, but the difference in living in room one rather than in room two has changed my life, in remarkable ways. I'll start by explaining what living in room two, Knowing of God and Performing for him, looks like. I was raised in a Christian home and became a Christian at the age of 10. For 41 years, I knew who God was, believed in him, went to church for the most part, read my bible at times, did good things for people, helped others, tried to set a good example, prayed, sang in the choir, loved children, taught school, always leaned toward the idea that God was in control and his will would be done. Underneath all those masks, I was depressed, sad, had screwed up relationships, and felt condemned to always live like that, but could never let anyone see it (See the pattern here?) Lots of doing,lots of numbness, but very little living, and I had little understanding of what 'walking' with God not to mention 'trusting' him really meant. Was I happy? At times, but for the most part, due to lots of reasons, I wasn't, but could never explain why. Most people saw me as happy, (mask, mask, mask), but inwardly I was pretty empty, I questioned the whole God idea and believed life was cruel and at my best I was a screw up.

Now move to room one, Trusting God and walking with him daily. This room is much harder to stay in, or even walk into. It's easy to get caught up in the doing, because I can list all the "things" I do well, right, and for God, which help make me feel like I am a good Christian. But the trust isn't there really. Walking into this room is a whole other ball of wax, because it requires that first, I am willing to take my masks off and allow God to see me for who I really am, and see myself for that matter, and then swallow the fact that I don't have the answers, he does. It's also quite humbling. I went from a doer to first, a listener and someone who chooses to talk with God as I walk through my day, and second, I DO or NOT DO the things he asks. What? I thought the doing part was in room two. It is, but it's also in room one, in a different way. In room two, for the most part, I chose what I wanted to do, the when, why, and how, with no trust part for God and my life stayed royally screwed up, at least on the inside. In room one, I first have to talk to God, and then trust him to give me the direction HE wants me to take, and often it's not what I really want to do, which is hard. But, I can tell you like I am sitting here, the times I choose to talk with and trust God, have been life changing, to the point of OMG weird, but in a really awesome God way. Let me show you what this looks like.(I listed the "Performing for God" parts earlier), here are the Walking and Trusting God parts, at least a few.

1. I spent some time loading songs on my ipod a few weeks ago and as I was talking with God about some of the songs and he said, "Make your sister a cd." Hmmm...I was like, with what, and thought how strange. So I skimmed through songs and as I came across a title that seemed to stick out like a bird singing I added each to my playlist. After about 10, I asked if these were the right ones, and as I heard a yes, I then heard, 'rearrange' them. I thought about that, and then realized the ten songs I picked out were ones that started with lyrics about being flat on your knees in despair to the last one being about being delivered and praising God. I burned the cd, wrote a message on it, and put it aside. A few hours later my sister had to stop by, unexpectedly, and this is what she said. "I wish I had some music I could listen to in the car, just for me, the girls always get my music and I need some new stuff just for me." I almost fell out of my chair. I laughed, handed her the cd, and told her to read the wrapper, it simply said, " God has a message for you." Needless to say, the impact of that message is still working, and I am still amazed and mystified about God's timing.

2. Three weeks ago God said to me, "Time to write your testimony." I was like, again, "What?" To who, what for, what testimony? He simply said write it, so nine pages later I sent it to two people to read and asked them to give me some feed back on content, having no idea what point there was to writing it really. The following week I got an email from the leader of a woman's bible study group I attend. She wanted to know if I would give my testimony before the group that next week. Once again, almost fell out of my chair laughing. I told her about the humor in her request, and she just knew it was another God thing. She also had NO idea I had written it already before she asked. God Weird, but good!

3. This blog is an interesting part of me trusting God. If you read the posts written before Jan. of this year you notice a difference in the ones written lately. Why? Well, back in March, God said to me he would use this blog to reach people he needed to reach, and my story would be an important way to reach them. At first, I was like, "What story, you can't be serious, and what about my story would make a hill of beans difference to anyone who reads it?" God said, "Your whole story is important, but I'm asking you to trust me in writing this blog, take risks for me, and trust me." So, as you can see in March, my topics have been quite, 'different' to say the least. I have written about very personal topics, took risks to share personal, tragic events in my life, that I really DIDN'T care to share here, but trusted him regardless. What I didn't expect was the overwhelming response this blog would have on some people. (And I humbly say this, not trying to toot my horn at all) I have met people from all over the world, some atheists who don't believe in God, but choose to read my blog, and even met one person online, who I have never seen, who honestly was considering ending her life, but because of God's message that she is not alone, that there are actually people out there that understand her pain, she is actually still breathing and walking the Earth. I could go on and on about how these words impact people, but that's not the point. The words aren't mine, they are God's. If he told me to write fairy tales at this point I would, because even though I don't quite understand why he would ask me to do these things, he does, and that's the point really, Trusting God, Walking with him intimately, and living an authentic life like I never thought possible.

I wish I could say all of God's requests were easy but, honestly, sometimes, he tells me no, don't go there, and even in those times I see the impact of what the other choice would have been like, and I am grateful, regardless of the hurt I might feel, that I trusted him.

So,living in room one really isn't easy. It's actually the HARDEST way I have ever lived, because the evil powers that exist in this world are none too happy when I choose to stay in that room. It's much harder for them to get to me there. Oh, they try, they try so hard I often feel like I am being run over by a bus, and I often question when can I come up for air. But at the end of the day, when I close my eyes and talk to God about the whole deal, we laugh, he tells me how proud he is of me, how loved I am, and sometimes he simply puts his arms around me and helps hold me up. That type of trusting and following God I get, hook, line, and sinker. The other type, am I on enough committees, volunteering enough at church, keeping up with enough prayer lists, going to church enough, etc. will never be the type of life I believe God intended for me to live. (And I am in NO way dissing working at church. I am simply saying, are you 'doing' lots of things for God or asking and trusting him if you should be? He may want you writing a blog like me, rather than teaching Sunday school, my point is, ask him, that's all.) And the more I talk to him about it, the more he wants you to know the same thing, RUN TO ROOM NUMBER ONE! He has a hug and lots of love waiting for you there.

For those of you who read this blog and go, "Nobody talks to God or hears his voice, she must be nuts," let me explain. After 41 years one of my first prayers to God was that would he communicate with me in a way I would understand and would he please have a sense of humor? Ever since, we have a unique line of communication going that I can't explain, but honestly don't try to. It is what it is. I would challenge you that if you struggle with praying and feel that you never hear back from God, maybe change your prayer a bit. First ask him what I did. I can't say you will get the same result, I really have no clue, but what do you have to lose by asking?

The two books listed above are simply MUST reads for anyone wishing to walk through this life with a relationship with God and one with your true self. They are part of a bigger story of how my life has shifted, but I can't say enough about the impact they have had on me. All because those authors took risks and wrote the words God gave them. I'll be looking for you in room one, we are a humbled, messed up bunch, but filled with lots of love and acceptance.

A few AWESOME verses about the trust issue:

Psalms 51:10-13

10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right [1] spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will return to you.