Thursday, March 5, 2009
Embracing Failure May Be My Pathway to God
What a difference four hours makes. The enormity of the shift in my mental state from my last post to this one is difficult for me to grasp my hands around, but I am trying. On a day, a vitally important day in my understanding of my connection with God, my faith was at first shattered and then slowly rebuilt by my choice to embrace failures in my own life and those I love dearly. I went from knowing a profound peace to being flat on my knees with fear, anger, and hoplessness for one who is most precious in my life. It was as if the wind was sucked right out of me, without warning, leaving me broken, deafeted, and alone. What I know, despite the voices that make me feel otherwise, is that I was never alone, and that admitting defeat may be my best defense against those who wish to quiet my spirit and walk with my God.
Physically, I understand that the harder I try to rebuild that connection the sicker I get, which tells me one thing. I must be some threat, a very great threat, to be as sick as I have been, with no medical sense to any of this. Chronic pain is one thing, I get that and live with it, but for about 20 years the times I have been closest to God something or someone or myself puts a roadblock up. It was not until now, for a reason I can't explain, that I was desperate to ask God for some help and he eagerly told me it was about time. That doesn't mean I understand this all, it doesn't mean any of this feels good or makes sense, if anything it's excruciatingly painful but I made a choice to ask and I choose to not give in. How this relates to my artistic self is simple. I can't paint right now, that core part of who I am is out of my reach, but I have to trust that this journey will lead to a place where that is possible and the outcome will honor God, despite my inability to see where I am headed. I have failed miserably at a lot of things and done well in many others. I just am recognizing that it is in my failures that I am truly closest to the God who loves me, if only I am willing to give myself a break and let him help pick me back up. It's been an infuriatingly roller-coaster of a week, but one that I will mark as a turning point in my life. For my group members who prayed for me and with me I say a humble thank you. For our new member who woke me up to the appropriate emotions I needed to feel, I thank you. For my doctor who chooses to share his faith with me I am grateful beyond words. In your practice you honor God and are capable of mighty things. I look forward to the path God has for me where I can do the same, despite my failures along the way. May this blog reach those intended for it, and those who stumble upon it thanks to devine intervention. I'm done today, it's the best I can do for now to say that I am safe, tired, but safe today. Thanks to my God who has missed me. Peace, Ardith