Usually, I create a page in one sitting, or at the very most, two on the same day but this page was a bit different for many reasons. This page was full of fear, trepidation, hope, courage, and a whole lotta praying with faith. This page spanned the week, between days of what ifs, moments of I can'ts, and lots of space in between listening to that quite voice saying, "Be still, trust, have faith." This page is the hope of what could be with the knowing of now, and going slow through the process gave me great insight into how my artistic mind collides with my responsible mind every day.
It started off like most of the others until the phone rang with unexpected news. It was perplexing, so I turned that energy towards the pages because the two page spread was a bit odd itself. Creatively, it spoke little to me, other than the framework of the building and the geometric lines. No vision, no direction, nothing, nada....just me and my soup of awkward feelings so I began to do what I do...sketch, collage, gather, and place.
Throughout the process over several days my emotions ran the gamut from jubilation to despondency and everything in between and the page seemed to sense that. There were moments of mud, moments of chaos, moments of I haven't a clue where to take this, so I let it rest a day or two and began to consider just what I needed this page to teach me...I began to listen to it. As I did, I quietly started to collect words and phrases that tickled the little grey cells and placed them randomly. I also sketched favorite items in my line of site, the clock on the mantle, a paint jar, a glass sphere on a candlestick, and the bike. Sketching felt good, but still, it all echoed with bleh...
The next day rolled around and as it evolved into connecting me with a world that I had long missed something wakened inside my heart with the vision of being bold in my not knowing. That was important, the connecting with what was already within, and I ever so gently began to realize that this journal page was meant to shine a light on what it means to trust with grace, walk with faith, and step boldly into an unexpected possibility. The entire process was taxing, but oh so beautiful.
You see, I believe the act of creating is a pathway to connect with my maker and the moments I choose to let go and listen to Him, I am shown glimpses of what walking this planet is all about, and they are sacred. I wish I could tell you that the week turned out to be filled with great achievement but that wasn't the case. It did turn out to reveal a lot about what I needed in the moment, it helped me tinker with an odd color palette, and gave me the space to consider when a painting seems disconnected that there is always a thread hidden somewhere.
I love this page, not because it is pretty, but more so because it reminds me that life is beautiful, surprising, and filled with wonder and looking for the moments of grace in life is often the most important thing I can do. Lovely things to be reminded of.
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Let's just say this month has been one for the record books, books I would love to burn, page, by page, by page. But then again, all I have to do is turn on the T.V. or load Facebook to realize no matter how frustrated I am, no matter how exhausting life seems to be, no matter how impatient I have been, there are far worse things to deal with in life....and I am beyond grateful not to have to be dealing with them. My platter is plenty, thank you.
Two things of significance happened this morning, despite the chaos that surrounded them.
1. As I lay in bed enjoying the view of my bedroom, which at this point I could probably draw with my eyes closed, I realized I am surrounded by love....much love, and though I hate having to spend as much time in bed, I am grateful that my place of rest is a beautiful one. Here are some pics of my bedside. My bible is closest, though I truthfully admit it is not used as often as it should be. The notes from my sweet hubs stand as reminders when he is gone, or laying next to me, of his quiet love, the love I cherish. My reading list, at the moment, creates a beautiful sculpture of line and color, which speaks to my artistic spirit and seems to give my intellectual side the umph it needs to reach out and read, which at times has been hard. And then there are my candles. They help calm my mood, my spirit, and my senses, which are ever so helpful these days. These may be tiny little things to most people, but in my every day existence, these are the things that make life worth living, and make it beautiful.
2. After becoming royally peeved with insurance and Medicare and 'stuff' I turned on Facebook to find a link my friend Joy had posted about a single mom who just happened to write a blog about her struggles, which included a pic of this "TO DIE FOR" prom dress she desperately wanted for her daughter . Now, truth be told, it was the dress that actually got me hooked, I mean, hooked enough to click on the link and read the blog, but it was the story behind the dress that blew me away. I sat with chills and almost tears....of amazement, of guilt, and of the notion of a tiny little voice, deep inside my heart saying, "Flush, and get off the pity pot." It was then that I realized how, once again, I live such a blessed life, that God takes care of me in ways I don't deserve, and that despite all the horrid news reports and media coverage about how the world is so screwed up, there are wonderful, decent, loving people intermingled in all that mess. Here is Michelle Grimm's Blog, A Magical Moment, A Dream Dress, and I simply want to encourage my readers to stop long enough to read her story, you won't regret the 5 min....promise, promise, promise!
Life is hard, life is beautiful, but life can be, at times, harder to bear than we believe it should be. I can only speak for myself, but I am choosing to embrace love not hate today, friendship not hardship, life rather than death, gratitude rather that complaints, and faith rather than doubt. For today, that is the best I can do.
I have always been fascinated with rainbows. Actually, the color spectrum seen through prisms, which can also be seen in rainbows, is the attraction, at least I thought, until I really gave some deeper thought into the significance of rainbows in my life. My perspective on both is now different, and I share it here with you.
Lately I have been dealing with a spirit of condemnation about a lot things and several sources said I needed to look to the scriptures to see what God says about each 'issue' I have. The scripture to one of those came to me even before I knew I would be searching it out, and it came to me through the beauty of a rainbow. A few days ago my therapist told me that all evil spirits have a weakness, there are none that can't be defeated through God, and he asked if I knew of a Godly strength within me to help defeat it. I gave that some thought and the only thing that came to mind at the time was ever since I was alive I have always felt God's light within me, and I take that to be my faith in him, but describe it as his light. Now pure light is white, when all the colors of the visible light spectrum merge, it is white, and no one color is reflected off of our eyes. (that's a simple way to put it), but each color exists within that light, so as I see it, God is in me, his light exists in me, so all those colors exist in me as well. And, the colors of the rainbow are not simply red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. Rainbows contain EVERY color that exists on this planet, our eyes are just not simply made to register each one on its own. Now, what do you know about me? This is easy for those of you who really know me but for those online, I'll fill you in.
When people describe me, my personality, my art, they always choose to use color. If any one person could ooze color, per say, it would be me, always has been, and I can't explain it, it is what it is. So, in the context of what defense I have my answer was that God's light and faith, living within me, is my greatest defense against the spirits that fight against me.
Now, let's fast forward, to this past weekend. It was the pits, for many reasons I won't list here, but just believe me when I say it ranked in the top five of all time bad ones on my list. I recall saying, and asking God repeatedly, "Why aren't you throwing me a lifeline here when you see me drowning? I just don't get it, or if it's there, would you make it more obvious, please?" Meanwhile, I lay here recovering from a really fun stomach virus that I had driving 6 hours to and 6 hours from UAB and the thought of our grass dying outside because it is being baked by this record setting heat. So, I crawled out of bed, went outside and grabbed the hose to start watering the grass, feeling like weak puppy water, as my best friend says. What do you think I saw while I did this? Yep, a RAINBOW across my field of vision as I held the sprayer. It took a minute or two to let this sink in, and then I began to laugh, out loud, because I got it, my lifeline that I had not been seeing. Not only did he show it to me, he even showed me a double one, a double rainbow, which if you know anything about rainbows, you know how rare they are. I stood there amazed and mystified about seeing two gorgeous rainbows in front of me. I started playing with the water to figure out why I could see them in some spots but not the others, and then it occurred to me, the sunlight had to be behind me, and the raindrops in front of me. I wish I could have cried out and let the emotion I felt about this exist outwardly, but I didn't. I just knew this was no coincidence, this was God sending me a message. So, usually when I know that, I stop what I'm doing and pay close attention so I don't miss it.
I walked into my house, wet and all, and Googled double rainbows. I began to see gorgeous pics of them, but more importantly I wanted to know how they were created, what was their purpose. As I read, I began to understand the significance of the sun being behind you and the rain in front, both having to exist at a set specific point in time for the rainbow to be created. And as I read, I closed my eyes and asked God what this mean, and here is what he said to me, " Ardith, you have always carried my true light within you, and you reflect it through your many different colors you choose to paint life with. All of those experiences you have lived and suffered through are important, they are the tears required to have my light reflect through you in the way it was meant to, as a rainbow. I have your back through each one, but it took teardrops, sometimes lots of them, to be able to reflect my love through you, and by your own colors, others see me in you. That power within you is more powerful than any evil spirit that is within or around you, and it is meant to be shared. But more importantly, you must first trust me in this and believe me completely, this promise I give to you, that through any pain you walk through, I, your father will not bring any harm to you.
Whew, that was a lot, a big " I wouldn't want to miss it message" and then I stumbled onto a blog about rainbows where someone had commented this message about them:
God made a covenant with his people, a promise, that he would never harm the Earth by flooding it like that again, and God never lies. Don't ever believe there is only scientific phenomenon behind rainbows, it is God's promise to us.
I set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a sign of a covenant between me and the Earth. Never again shall the water become a flood to destroy all flesh. Genesis 9:13, 15 (Anonymous)
And then I knew it, the point of the entire message, which led me back to my list of condemnations I feel and me having to look up scriptures about each one. Here is the one this answers, the first of many I feel I will share with you:I feel condemned to never know how to fully trust God.
There, I said it, but what do we know about this verse in the bible and why God said it? He made a covenant to his people that the Earth would NEVER be flooded again to end all of human life, and to my knowledge, that has never happened, which means when God makes a promise he keeps it, HE CAN BE TRUSTED! Now I know this trust thing is a daily walk, but for me in this day, this was a much appreciated message I needed, a lifeline I had been missing. And, as I walked to the car to get my laptop so I could come and write this, I opened the car door, and hanging from my rear view mirror is a large, crystal shaped teardrop I like to call my disco ball, and inside my car there where hundreds of tiny rainbows dancing all over my car. God's light, shining through my teardrop, showing me rainbows. Ahhh, what a moment that was. And this last part is the kicker, to the significance of it all, do you know what the letters of the rainbow stand for? (At least in my opinion)
Reaching
All
In
Need
By
Our
Witness
May God send you a rainbow so you may know and believe that his love and trust for you are real with every breath you take. That is my prayer for each of you today.
