Well, there are days and then.....there are days. If you know me personally, then most likely you know some hint of my medical journey, my miraculous medical journey. One day I will write it out, the craziness of it, the unexpected miracles along the way, but for today, I just chose to spend some time journaling about it, or at least about the spine.
The amount of x-rays I have filed on my computer would convince someone that I was studying to become a Radiologist of some sort. I 'collected' my own, used them when I taught Science, and have a folder of them on my FB page so that home school friends can show their kids what fusions, joint replacements, and screws look like. I even have a plan that when this body decides to kick the bucket, it will go to a local med school so I can leave the world teaching.
This morning, after choosing the next page in my book, which just so happens to be a chapel, I decided to sketch two versions of my spine, the lumbar and cervical, but not anatomically correct. I basically wanted to get a combination of the screws and plates combined with the hips and brain, but in a really loose, Sharpie sketch process. I then decided to write out some thoughts on living with chronic pain and my journey of kicking 14 meds a day down to one. Life today looks nothing like it did 5 years ago. Yes, there is always pain, but I have come to understand it now, not fight it, and that has allowed me to create, share, teach, and go places I truly never thought I could go again. Oh, and to the doctor who said once upon a time....you are looking at paralysis in both legs....boooyah. I know they have to tell us worst case scenarios but really, tell us with less excitement next time.
Next step, after ghosting the text with gesso, I began to sketch other figures, float in some transparent colors with Golden Fluids, and used my new, neon paint pens to highlight and isolate the screws/pins. I then collaged a few pieces on top, added some more juicy tidbits, and let the page rest. I am considering creating an entire series using my own spinal anatomy, we will see.
As part of Juliana Coles 'Field Notes' workshop, we are sketching the world around us every day. I have incorporated the sketch practice as part of my daily pages, and am finding that it is transforming my artistic style by leaps and bounds. I doubt I would have pushed myself to sketch as often if it were not for this workshop so I am totally loving the impact it is having on me! These are a few 5-10min sketches I have done with my mini travel kit that stays in my purse. It makes riding in the car or sitting in waiting rooms the perfect time to sketch.
Yesterday I was able to go and teach a fantastic torn paper collage workshop in Ocean Springs at the Mary C. O'Keefe Cultural Arts Center. It was lovely, the students were eager, pushed their comfort zones a bit to loosen up, and I do believe everyone was thrilled with their works when they headed out. This type of workshop does my heart good. We talk tips, shortcuts, impact, intent, and products, all within the context of having fun, slinging paint, spreading glue, and ripping paper. What could be more fun?
I will be teaching other workshops at the Mary C. as well as in Mobile this summer and fall, so if you are looking to attend one, you can visit my website for all the details!
Hope your Sunday is full of love for yourself and others, and hope the bones of your serenity stay strong as ever.
There are no coincidences. I truly believe this. As much as I believe there is a God who loves me, I believe there is an evil force in our world trying to conquer my significance and light. In these two truths, at least to me, I believe nothing happens by chance. I believe one of these two forces in my world, God or evil, moves and life reacts around me, and I to it. Strong beliefs, yes. Controversial, to some. But in this year of my life, I am boldly saying, you don't have to agree with me, this is who I am, this is what I believe, and I love you regardless.
Two weeks ago I had my neck fused. Many of you know this, but many of my new fans and friends may not. Actually, this was my 23rd surgery, no car wreck, just a joint disease that has been a challenge since I was 23. Despite the physical limitations I have faced, the pain, the tears, I have and still believe I live a beautiful, unimaginable life, and am grateful.
Surgery is hard. Many of you know this, and many of who may be facing surgery are probably apprehensive, scared, and worried. I was, with every one. I have also had to deal with the post-operative depression that comes afterwards. Not to everyone, but to some, and to me, often. Part of it is meds, part pain, part life issues that surround me, but like my approach to everything, this will not conquer me, it's gonna be all right.
Today, after almost two months, my Occupational Therapist worked with me to begin painting again. Not a masterpiece, just a simple piece of art to teach me how my posture and adaptations will change for the rest of my life if I want to keep painting. The neck brace, it will be my new best friend. I kinda look at it at this point as an albatross around my neck but I will mentally deal with that because expressing myself creatively is a must, and I will not allow my physical limitations to conquer me either.
The back brace is a new, and constant friend, too. The collar keeps my neck from bending down, the brace helps my core stay stable. And, as I am told, starting small, with baby steps is what I must do, so I will. I wanted to share these with you, because many of my friends struggle with neck and back pain who are artists. If you know of any art friends who face these same issues, please share my blog with them. I have found limited resources and would love for them to know they are not alone. These are my adaptations, but they just might help you as well, especially if you are healing like I am. The painting is simply a start. I have no clue what it will turn into, but it felt good to put paint to paper and feel connected to the artistic spirit that flows within me.
And in the midst of all of this, life can actually fall apart, or it seems. Tears will flow, fears will become real, but in those moments I stop myself and simply breathe, breathe in God, breathe out everything else. My dear friend Terri Keller knows this, and for us, and hopefully many of you, those moments are what becomes the glue to our sanity.
A few hours ago I checked my Facebook page and my blessed college friend Pam had posted a video for me that made her think of me. This is where I know, coincidences don't happen. Every word of that video I needed to hear, to know, to believe, and there it was on my page. God is like that. To me, it's not about religion, it's about a loving God who knows how to gently reach out is hand, even through FB, and say, "I have you, I love you."
As I researched more about Sara Groves, this artist, her song, "It's Gonna Be All Right" struck a chord, especially the quotes. I felt the two videos simply needed to be shared, for private reasons, and for the simple fact that someone out there might need to know, IT WILL BE ALL RIGHT, in time, in faith, with the support of others. I love all of you, I love that you follow my stories, my journey of courage and healing, but most of all, that you love me for me, faults and all. Stay strong my friends, it can be overcome, it can be done, and WE WILL HEAL!
I have always been fascinated with rainbows. Actually, the color spectrum seen through prisms, which can also be seen in rainbows, is the attraction, at least I thought, until I really gave some deeper thought into the significance of rainbows in my life. My perspective on both is now different, and I share it here with you.
Lately I have been dealing with a spirit of condemnation about a lot things and several sources said I needed to look to the scriptures to see what God says about each 'issue' I have. The scripture to one of those came to me even before I knew I would be searching it out, and it came to me through the beauty of a rainbow. A few days ago my therapist told me that all evil spirits have a weakness, there are none that can't be defeated through God, and he asked if I knew of a Godly strength within me to help defeat it. I gave that some thought and the only thing that came to mind at the time was ever since I was alive I have always felt God's light within me, and I take that to be my faith in him, but describe it as his light. Now pure light is white, when all the colors of the visible light spectrum merge, it is white, and no one color is reflected off of our eyes. (that's a simple way to put it), but each color exists within that light, so as I see it, God is in me, his light exists in me, so all those colors exist in me as well. And, the colors of the rainbow are not simply red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. Rainbows contain EVERY color that exists on this planet, our eyes are just not simply made to register each one on its own. Now, what do you know about me? This is easy for those of you who really know me but for those online, I'll fill you in.
When people describe me, my personality, my art, they always choose to use color. If any one person could ooze color, per say, it would be me, always has been, and I can't explain it, it is what it is. So, in the context of what defense I have my answer was that God's light and faith, living within me, is my greatest defense against the spirits that fight against me.
Now, let's fast forward, to this past weekend. It was the pits, for many reasons I won't list here, but just believe me when I say it ranked in the top five of all time bad ones on my list. I recall saying, and asking God repeatedly, "Why aren't you throwing me a lifeline here when you see me drowning? I just don't get it, or if it's there, would you make it more obvious, please?" Meanwhile, I lay here recovering from a really fun stomach virus that I had driving 6 hours to and 6 hours from UAB and the thought of our grass dying outside because it is being baked by this record setting heat. So, I crawled out of bed, went outside and grabbed the hose to start watering the grass, feeling like weak puppy water, as my best friend says. What do you think I saw while I did this? Yep, a RAINBOW across my field of vision as I held the sprayer. It took a minute or two to let this sink in, and then I began to laugh, out loud, because I got it, my lifeline that I had not been seeing. Not only did he show it to me, he even showed me a double one, a double rainbow, which if you know anything about rainbows, you know how rare they are. I stood there amazed and mystified about seeing two gorgeous rainbows in front of me. I started playing with the water to figure out why I could see them in some spots but not the others, and then it occurred to me, the sunlight had to be behind me, and the raindrops in front of me. I wish I could have cried out and let the emotion I felt about this exist outwardly, but I didn't. I just knew this was no coincidence, this was God sending me a message. So, usually when I know that, I stop what I'm doing and pay close attention so I don't miss it.
I walked into my house, wet and all, and Googled double rainbows. I began to see gorgeous pics of them, but more importantly I wanted to know how they were created, what was their purpose. As I read, I began to understand the significance of the sun being behind you and the rain in front, both having to exist at a set specific point in time for the rainbow to be created. And as I read, I closed my eyes and asked God what this mean, and here is what he said to me, " Ardith, you have always carried my true light within you, and you reflect it through your many different colors you choose to paint life with. All of those experiences you have lived and suffered through are important, they are the tears required to have my light reflect through you in the way it was meant to, as a rainbow. I have your back through each one, but it took teardrops, sometimes lots of them, to be able to reflect my love through you, and by your own colors, others see me in you. That power within you is more powerful than any evil spirit that is within or around you, and it is meant to be shared. But more importantly, you must first trust me in this and believe me completely, this promise I give to you, that through any pain you walk through, I, your father will not bring any harm to you.
Whew, that was a lot, a big " I wouldn't want to miss it message" and then I stumbled onto a blog about rainbows where someone had commented this message about them:
God made a covenant with his people, a promise, that he would never harm the Earth by flooding it like that again, and God never lies. Don't ever believe there is only scientific phenomenon behind rainbows, it is God's promise to us.
I set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a sign of a covenant between me and the Earth. Never again shall the water become a flood to destroy all flesh. Genesis 9:13, 15 (Anonymous)
And then I knew it, the point of the entire message, which led me back to my list of condemnations I feel and me having to look up scriptures about each one. Here is the one this answers, the first of many I feel I will share with you:I feel condemned to never know how to fully trust God.
There, I said it, but what do we know about this verse in the bible and why God said it? He made a covenant to his people that the Earth would NEVER be flooded again to end all of human life, and to my knowledge, that has never happened, which means when God makes a promise he keeps it, HE CAN BE TRUSTED! Now I know this trust thing is a daily walk, but for me in this day, this was a much appreciated message I needed, a lifeline I had been missing. And, as I walked to the car to get my laptop so I could come and write this, I opened the car door, and hanging from my rear view mirror is a large, crystal shaped teardrop I like to call my disco ball, and inside my car there where hundreds of tiny rainbows dancing all over my car. God's light, shining through my teardrop, showing me rainbows. Ahhh, what a moment that was. And this last part is the kicker, to the significance of it all, do you know what the letters of the rainbow stand for? (At least in my opinion)
Reaching
All
In
Need
By
Our
Witness
May God send you a rainbow so you may know and believe that his love and trust for you are real with every breath you take. That is my prayer for each of you today.
These pics above are of my lumbar spinal fusion from L4-S1. One view is on my left side and the other I a lying on my back.
Well, many of you knew I traveled back up to Birmingham on the 17th with Holly for my 6 week check up. She and my Aunt Peggy went to my appointment with me which taught me a lot about being patient and what having a spinal fusion really means. This was my 19th surgery. Every surgery, including my 20th which was getting my screws out of my tibia was painful, but i usually managed to rehab and get off my pain meds within a week or two at the most. This surgery has knocked me for a loop. Because I fell the 5th day out it kind of set me back a bit but the last month and a half has been a roller coaster of emotions, good and bad, tons of nausea, a low grade fever since the surgery and the feeling that I would really lose my mind if I didn't get off the meds. I saw 4 different doctors in Mobile who agreed I was on a lot, but wanted Dr. Okor to handle the med issue since he did the surgery. i get that but it was still one more frustrating piece of the puzzle. Well,Dr. Okor sat us down today and basically explained that my surgery was like breaking my back. You can't detox someone who has been on morphein, valium, lortab 10, fentora, and phenergan in a week. I had completely missed the fact that my back was literally screwed up, as you can see, and the process of coming off all those strong meds would be possible, but not pleasant. So.... why tell you all these details? For those of you out there getting ready for this surgery or facing it and have been on strong opiods for a while you need to understand what you getting into. My surgery whas a great success, the bone had already started to fuse and although it was my 5th sugery I am nerve pain free and my foot drop has almost completely reversed. Dr.Okor, my surgeon at UAB, is simply the best neurosurgeon for me. On the reality of life after surgery this is what you might experience. Pain. of course, extreme mood swings in both directions, the lack of ability to drive, you will lose your memory and forget who you talk to and what you say. The post med drugs will basically keep you stoned but please don't try and detox on your own like I did. Trust your doctor to slowly get you off your meds is a safe way. I tried and went from a pain level of 2 to a 9 within 6 hours, shaking, headache, puking, it was horrible. I was just crazy insane in wanting to be lucid, to fix coffee for my husband, to be normal, and almost made myself dangerously sick. This surgery is a huge blow to the body, not to mention the anesthesia, so all those drugs are necessary but takes months, yes months, to slowly get off of. I had this surgery for many reasonse but one was so that I didn't have to live on morphein for the rest of my life considering I am only 40. Please realize keeping your expectations in check after surgery is key, trust your doctor, ask family to be patient ande show them your x-rays so they visually get the fact that your are actually screwed and major pain comes with that. The great news to look forward to is if your surgery is successful, you rehab correctly and safely, you will get a huge amount of quality of life back that you may have thought you would never get. I am forever optimistic but this had been hard. There have been a lot of tears, a lot of frustration, and a lot of second guessing but 6 weeks out i know for me I did the right things and things are lookings up. And a word to the caregivers of those who support, love, and take care of us. Please be patient. My husband who I love and thank dearly has had a difficult time adjusting from the shear loss of mobility I had. He has been a trooper through over 16 surgeries when most people would have run for the hills so Bill, thank you for not throwing the towel in. But realize this surgery takes a lot out on those familiy members who live with the surgery patient and it can get hard. Be patient, take breaks often, ask for help if you need to and can, and most of all don't take the melt down personally from your loved one recovering from all these meds. I hope my experience can help at least one family transition through a major surgery in a positive way. I can't wait to take long walks again and maybe ride a 3 wheel bicycle, but the baby steps I take now build the foundation for a successful recovery and you can do it as well! Hope you find the pics interesting, I think medicine today is a miracle and am greatful I found such a gifted surgeon. I would also caution any spinal fusion patient to find a neurosurgeon rather than an ortho surgeon. Ask back patients why I say that and you'll get it. No hard feelings to Ortho doctors, I've just never had a good surgery on my back from anyone but my Neurosugeon, Dr. Okor at UAB. Good Luck and Peace with your surgeries or healing. I'll keep you posted on how I do.
ARDITHIAN SUNFLOWERS
Well, I haven't felt well lately. My knee is doing better, still rehabing as best I can, which is slow, but still making progress. My Arachnoiditis has flarred and it is quite difficult to deal with. The only thing I have done differently is increasing my excersices for my knee, but that's just the nature of have that spinal disorder on top of degenerative disc disease. My headaches have increased as well, and I feel that it's because of the rupture in my neck. That alone makes doing any painting or normal activities difficult. I mentally manage my pain well, but at times get quite discouraged when it's really bad and I have to take my really strong pain meds. That's no way to live for anyone and I just have to work through it and not lose my mind. School will be out in 2 weeks so I am looking foward to having James and Bill around more often, I miss those nuts during the day. I'll try and catch up later on any art I'm doing but for today I'm just able to rest and take it easy. For those of you who are artists struggling with pain issues, mentally or physically, I wish you the best, hang in there, it will pass. Ardith
Finally, after waiting over 4 months for the sugery to take place I had my knee surgery, or PFR, which stands for PatellaFemoral Replacement. The pic above shows the implant on the femur, but the two screws were from a prior sugery which was an Osteotomy of my tibia. On another view, you can see the disc inside my patella, which will fit right on top of this round part, but I didn't post that picture. I have had 18 surgeries in all, and this has been the most frustrating by far. To start with, I came home to soon from the hospital and didn't get my pain undercontrol which affected my range of motion, and then I forgot that I wouldn't be driving for 3-4 weeks, which has me pulling my hair out. The sugery itself went great! It was the first of it's kind done in Mobile, because for one, this type of knee replacement isn't really done much, and second, it was a custom implant, built to fit my knee only. I am psyched thought because the statistical outcome his high for success and already I have no pain in the knee where it was. YAHOO! If you are thinking about having knee surgery though I would highly recommend staying in the hospital much longer than 24 hours and possibly going to Rotary Rehab to make your surgery the most successful it can be. My home health has sent my a great phyiscal therapist and she has motivated me to make great progress in the past 2 weeks, thanks Jeannie! So, I am still not sitting for long periods of time and wanted to give you all an update. As for the art world, I am one of four artists in the April show of Earth Tones, on the 13th at the Cathedral Square Gallery in Mobile during April, and I am attending the awards banquet for the VSA Arts Show in Birmingham on April 17th. (Cross your fingers!) I'll keep you in tune as to the knee progress and what art is going on. Once I cross this hurdle it clears the way to possibly return to teach in the fall, but we'll see. Peace, and God Bless! Ardith
